oh no i've said too much, i haven't said enough

[shieldmonkey]

It's strange that he hasn't seen Simmons in a while.

The Simmons he's been speaking with since after the real one left back at S.H.I.E.L.D., of course, not Jemma... who the Director told him arrived in Darrow several days ago. Fitz has been aware of her arrival since almost immediately after she turned up, and since then...

Well... Fitz went by to see she was alright early on, to be certain that nothing about the dimension they're all in now would alter whether or not she made it through decompression okay. Logic said she'd make it through, of course, but he'd never been on this side of it before. He'd still been in a coma when all that happened, when she'd decided to leave.

He's still not certain why she did.

And he still couldn't bring himself to stick around the hospital very long.

He hears about when she's released, but manages to keep himself scarce. There's work with the equipment he's engineering for Agent Barton, and a few other things he wants to begin work on, so it's not as if he has to put too much effort into avoiding her.

Besides, she avoided him first.

Fitz can't get his hand to work properly tonight-- there's some intricate wiring on an arrowhead that he isn't quite steady enough for just now-- so he decides to take a bit of a break, gathering up laundry that's accumulated in his flat over the past week and a half and heading down to the building's shared laundry room.

If nothing else, it'll be a chance to clear his head.

Comments

[whenindoubt]

It's difficult.

That's largely what it comes down to, honestly. That living here is difficult. Not inherently - of course not, it seems perfectly fine as far as places to live are concerned, and her apartment is more than adequate. The issue lies in what isn't here - her team, her lab, her parents - and what is. Fitz is here, even though she can't wrap her mind around how. Not with what Agent Coulson had told her; that Fitz was from a point in time beyond her.

He shouldn't have been alive. She failed. She failed him specifically, being tossed out of the ocean into midair like some sort of bit of flotsam, and that meant that he shouldn't actually be alive. And it's not actually a problem that he's here, not at all, she'd never protest it, but it's just difficult.

Adding to it is the fact that he knows she's there. Jemma knows, because Agent Coulson told her, that Fitz knows that she's in this place with them. He knows, but he hasn't seen her. She doesn't even know where he lives. And while she knows full well that she's got to keep moving, keep trying to figure out what happened and why, apparently, Fitz just doesn't even want to see her...

It's difficult. It's made more complicated due to the fact that she's still recovering, with her shoulders still aching and the lasting affects of the concussion making her still a bit muddled. She's also contending with her lack of wardrobe - she's gotten some things that had been picked up for her, but she's standing in the laundry room, shoving her clothes that smell sharply of saltwater into the washing machine. It's all she can do -- try and find normalcy wherever she's able, and even if right now she's dressed more like Skye than herself (the massive t-shirt and leggings were at least comfortable) this load of laundry seems like a start.

She drops the lid with a clang as she turns around, freezing when she sees Fitz in the doorway with an armful of laundry. Honestly she doesn't even know if she can move as she stares at him, her vision blurring as she frantically tries to find any words, much less the right ones. "So-" she says after a moment, her voice rough, "You actually live in the building?" He's almost blurry because she's tearing up, but she doesn't want to look away from him for even a moment.

[shieldmonkey]

He supposes that it makes sense. He hasn't seen Simmons since they were stuck on the ocean floor. Since he said all of those things to her and she summarily dismissed him by disappearing. So of course now that she's in Darrow and now that she's back, he's stuck there holding a laundry basket full of his pants and socks.

There's a moment where Fitz isn't quite sure what to say. Which is a bit of a relief, actually, because he doesn't know how the words will come out. He knows how they did last time he talked to Jemma, when finding the words wasn't quite as easy as it is now. He's better than he was before, but Fitz knows he's definitely not the same as she remembers. He's not the same person who went into that compartment on the bottom of the ocean.

"You, um," Fitz starts, once he's finally able to say something, and realizes that he can't. At least, not like he wishes he was able to, "Director Coulson told me about the, um..."

He still can't decide if he's relieved to see her or angry that she left. Besides, it isn't as if she was capable of coming to Darrow on purpose.

[whenindoubt]

"Decompression," she provides without thinking, and the word is oddly empty, as are the next. "And the method of my arrival." The washing machine hums to life, and it startles her enough that she blinks away the tears in her eyes. Clearing her throat, she smiles to try and hide that everything's not just wonderful.

She's always been a horrible liar. She wishes, honestly, that it was days from now, that she wouldn't have the bruises on her face and the stitches by her hairline, that she'd been able to be in her own clothes. She feels so incredibly vulnerable, knowing that she's been in hospital, that she's been lost, hurt, scared - and he's known the whole time, and hadn't even somehow called. The smile's still there as she looks down at the floor, and finds something to say. "It's lovely to see you, and that you're alright, of course." She turns to look back at the washer, although there's nothing she can really do to change the actual machine, it's just humming along and doing what it's supposed to so she's got to turn back.

"I'm already using the washer, I'm afraid. You'll need to wait a bit, but I've only the one load of clothes." The amount of tension in her shoulders is frankly painful purely because of the residual affects of her arrival, but that's the last thing she'd ever want to bring up, especially since he had chosen to remain... separate. Although, she supposes, it was a better outcome than if Agent Coulson had been lying to her purely to keep her calm and Fitz had actually died in the ocean due to her own negligence.

Which is not actually something she wishes to ruminate on, either. "Should only be another... 30 minutes, or so."

[shieldmonkey]

"Right, and the hospital," he says, and she's finishing his sentences, but it doesn't feel right, somehow. Mostly because it's one he should have been able to finish himself.

He's noticed, over the past few months, that he's improved. He can actually make his bad hand cooperate more often than not, and it's easier to find the right word when he needs it. Except right now. It's like most of the words have gone, and he's stuck as he was right after she left. Only now, there's just the one Simmons, the one he's not completely certain he knows anymore.

She looks different. It's not the bruises, it's... it's something else, he supposes. Or maybe it's just because it's been so bloody long since he's seen her at all that has him thinking it. Either way, he finds himself staring, and clears his throat a bit awkwardly as he looks away.

Simmons has grabbed the last washer, and he glances in that direction when she mentions it.

"I'm sure one of the others will... um... before then."

[whenindoubt]

"And the hospital," she echoes quietly, her brows furrowing together. He knows all of it. The decompression. That she was in the hospital, and he just stands there like that's completely normal. That she would have nearly died, that she honestly thought that she'd killed him, in a way, and all he mentions it that the laundry would free up eventually so he doesn't even need to wait for her, not that she'd wanted him to.

"Of course," she says to recover, flashing a tiny, tight smile. "Well, then, I'll let you get to that, then, when one of them frees up. Have-" There's only a brief hesitation, but she recovers smoothly. "Have a good day, Fitz. Good to see you." She moves past him without stopping, because she only makes it to the door before everything she's seeing is blurry and she knows she's got about forty-five seconds at most before she actually begins to cry, so she's got to get back to the flat she's somehow been given.

[shieldmonkey]

There are different dimensions, he knows. People turn up in Darrow from different times and places, and even someone like Jemma, who he's known for years, who's been right there beside him until the moment that she wasn't can be slightly different. So Fitz knows that she's from before, from just after they were both trapped underwater, but the last thing he remembers was finding out she'd left. She'd said she'd gone to visit her parents, but it hadn't taken long at all for him to realize that wasn't the case.

Maybe a lot happened to him that day, but he's definitely not stupid.

Still, it's difficult, putting all that aside when he knows she likely doesn't remember it. There's a decent change Director Coulson has filled her in on the basics, but there are things that even the Director doesn't know. And those things are the reason he can't let her walk out just like that, even if remembering how things were back where they come from has unsettled him more than he'd like to admit.

"No, Jemma, could you... could wait, just a...."

[whenindoubt]

Turning back, Jemma's looking at the floor, her hands skimming the hem of her t-shirt before she awkwardly crosses her arms. She's incredibly vulnerable, and she hates how much it shows. That's likely why she finally looks up, her eyes skipping from him to the ceiling, and it's incredibly clear that she's trying not to cry.

Her lips are pressed in a thin line, that tiny uncomfortable smile still there. "Yes? I... I'm afraid that I'm still- Things are still a bit... difficult." She's trying to explain it away, one hand coming up to brush at the corner of her eye before she takes a deep breath. "Lasting affects from the concussion. Sorry, it's- It's nothing."

She was always a terrible liar. Fitz always knew - always, but there was the chance that he wouldn't call her on it. That he might not press, because honestly this conversation was going to be difficult for both of them.

[shieldmonkey]

Simmons has always been a terrible liar. At least, that's what Fitz thought before she told him that she was going to visit her parents and abandoned him instead. And it isn't as if he can get any answers from her now, not when Jemma in Darrow never did any of that in the first place.

She turns around again, and it's obvious she's holding back tears. Fitz's own speciality has never been biology or anything medical, but he's fairly certain it's not one of the side effects of a concussion.

"I'm..." he pauses, looks at her for a moment and then averts his eyes, pulling at his ear for a moment before looking down at his hands as he wrings them, "I'm glad you're alright. I don't think that I said... before."

[whenindoubt]

"Well," she says first, and she's trying so hard to just smile, to act like it's all fine, because that's honestly the way of it. Everything's fine, because the way that everything stays fine and moves back towards the status quo is by not calling attention to the abberations.

"Thank you. I'm glad, as well. I thought-" Chin wobbling, her voice actually cracked as she looked up at the dusty, cobweb-covered garden floor window up near the ceiling, because it was much easier than actually looking Fitz in the face. "I thought you must have died, Fitz. With me- showing up the way I did." She finally looked back at him, and tears had slipped free, and she scrubbed them off her cheek. "So. So I'm glad. I'm glad you're not-"

Stopping, she closes her eyes for a moment before she takes a deep breath, and that forced, watery smile is back. "I don't mean to keep you. I'm sure you're...." She trails off, but the implication - busy - is clear.

"It's been a very trying several days, I'm afraid I'm a little- I'm just glad to see you, Leo." Her using his given name is so incredibly rate, and the moment she says it, she for some reason wishes she hasn't, because it sort of all happens at once. Her hand's covering her mouth, because she's trying so very hard not to just up and cry, even though it's a completely understandable reaction to the physiological stress she's been under. She waves her hand in the sort of I'm fine, and actively works at pulling herself together. Taking a deep breath, she finally nods. She can get through this. She's been through so much that's worse.

[shieldmonkey]

"No, just... nearly. A coma for over a week and now I can't..." he trails off, realizing that he's not normally this bad, that these days, words come to him more easily. But there's something about her, about talking to her now and remembering their conversation on the ocean floor that manages to wipe his words away in an instant.

"Sometimes I can't find the words. Aphasia."

He doesn't mention his hand; bringing up the bit with his head is difficult enough. Even though Fitz knows that this Jemma, a Jemma who never saw him after the coma never left, it's hard for him to separate the two. Even though he's heard her say that things are fine in the way that she just has and knows that it means exactly the opposite of that.

[whenindoubt]

"Oh, no, Fitz." She breathes the words, her brows furrowed together. Her own worries have just vanished. They've vanished, and it didn't matter what'd happened with her, the decompression or anything else. "I'm so sorry I wasn't... God. Are you-" She moved closer to him. "How long has it been, for you?" That's the soft question, because she blames herself. She blames herself - a self that's not even her - for not being better. For letting him down.

But she just has to know. She has to know how long it's been, because then she'll know about his recovery, and if it's permanent and who he is now, because there's no way anyone who has gone through that wouldn't be affected. She knows she's going to have residual emotional affects from what happened, as well as the physical affects.

[shieldmonkey]

She moves closer to him, and instinctively, he takes half a step back, holding onto his bad hand with his good one, as though he thinks she might reach out and touch it, even not knowing the extent of things. It's a reaction he hasn't anticipated, and he resents himself for it as soon as he's made the motion.

"Nine months, give or take," he says, and is glad that he manages to get the words out without tripping over them. It's more than a bit of a relief, given what he needs to say next, "Closer to a year since you... the other one, I suppose, left."

[whenindoubt]

The moment that he backs up, her face falls, and she looks away. Down at her feet, before she takes a deep breath and forces a smile even though... He doesn't want to be near her. He doesn't even want her to touch him, that much is clear. It makes her feel sick, and it makes her want to cry because it's Fitz. It's Fitz, and he doesn't want her to even come close to him, and she almost died less than a week ago.

It's all a bit too much, really. "I... I'm sorry," she says first, and her hand actually shakes as she presses it to her lips as she pauses, her brows furrowing together. Nine months says that the affects, if they haven't improved from the worst, they likely won't - but if he's seen some improvement, then there's the possibility of recovery.

But right now? Right now she doesn't even know what to say. She left. She left him, apparently. A year ago, she'd left him, for some reason. "Why would I leave?" It's almost a rhetorical question. "... Fitz." She's trying to figure out where to start. "Is there improvement?" The question's clinical, but it's because she doesn't know what else to say.

[shieldmonkey]

He doesn't feel like himself. He hasn't felt like himself in ages now, since before he turned up in Darrow, and for Simmons to reach out to him like she does... he's not certain how to react to it. He notices the expression on her face shift and wishes he hadn't taken that step.

"It's... it's difficult to say," Fitz says, because sometimes he thinks there is, and other times... like now, for instance, he still can't manage to string the right words together in the right order. Not that he wants to admit that, that this is who he is now.

He's not the person Jemma last spoke to on the bottom of the ocean, and he resents himself for it.

[whenindoubt]

"Alright," she says after a long moment. A long pause, where she sorts through her options, and just goes with the one that's the least likely to make this worse. That smile's still there, fake as anything. "Well, if you would like me to look at your assessments, you know I would-" Her voice cracks, and she feels like she could have kicked herself because of it. "I would be happy to. Anything I can do." Clearing her throat, she looks back towards the door.

"I really should be going." There's no hesitation, and she looks back at him over her shoulder. "I'm really happy that you're here, Fitz. Genuinely." She does mean that, even if she's making up the excuse to leave.

[shieldmonkey]

"You... you too," Fitz says, and he means it as well, even if he's not entirely certain how to manage this. Because she's been beside him the whole damn time, except... well, except for when she wasn't, and it's not something so easily forgotten, even if he doesn't know how easily it's forgiven.

Alternate dimensions complicate things much more than he'd like.

And as much as there's a part of him that wants to call her back, he resists the urge to do it, realizing that Simmons has definitely made up an excuse to go.

"I'll see you around, I suppose."